October 23, 2011

I was laying in bed and staring into space when a sticker on my stereo caught my eye. It looks old, its starting to turn brown and the colors are fading. I have no idea what the sticker is of, the stereo used to be my brothers and he gave it to me. I miss my brother. He isn't the same person he used to be, he is having a psychotic meltdown. You know those meltdowns that people are too afraid to admit they have, or deny having one at all. I've always loved my brother, but I think he has always been sort of impartial to me. He never used to tell me things because he was afraid I would tell our mom. I think that put a strain on our relationship. Now he hates me. I like to think its the meltdown that hates me not him, but its hard to always believe that when he accuses me of doing really awful things. It could be just the 'glutening' talking but I feel incredibly sad about him today. I wish I can turn the clocks back and stop him from ever going to the military. I think his laugh would be so much different today if he never made that mistake. Sometimes I read the letters he wrote me at boot camp. He was such a different person. He was proud of me and I was proud of him. Now I think he may be a little envious of me. I wish I could tell him I spent my entire life hating it. I knew if I could get out of that black hole we call Colton I would have a better life and I would be happy. Everything I do is to insure I never have to go back there. That place takes souls. I was not about to get stuck there. I work hard for that reason. But he had friends, I wouldn't say he loved it there but maybe thats why he never strived to get out of it after boot camp. I don't know what they did to him but I'm pretty sure they beat the shit out of him. And when they did that they took the fight out of him. I don't think he has found that fight yet, I just hope he will be okay one day...

October 10, 2011

This weekend I was honored to be deemed a fugly (gluten free) slut by none other than Nishika and Nikita...betches. But it actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise because now I have a new reason to blog, and because I am just so awesome there is no doubt in my mind that this will turn into a book. lol



“Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase." -Martin Luther King Jr.