My Memorial Day Weekend (less exciting than you may think)

All weekend has been a struggle. I'm sick and I don't know whats wrong, Josh just got his wisdom teeth and turning his pain into anger which is directed at me. Luckily every time we fought we made up within the hour. We still fight about the same things but at least the fights are getting shorter.

Instead of spending the whole weekend raging in Vegas with my sorawrity sisters and famous DJ's I spent it on a "tour" van with 6 boys and a little puppy named 'aye' like when you yell aye get over here or 'A' the letter in the alphabet. I will begin with A because she is my favorite part about Saturday. She is a half maltese  and half teacup poodle. Just like my puppy twinky but smaller!! She would walk from the front of the van all the way four rows back to the end of the van. The boys in the van include Christian the singer of JMSN (pronounced Jameson) Adam the tour manager Demigod the guitarist (I believe his name was John) Chris the drummer, There were two Tims neither played for the group, C-Bass and Josh the last three being the boys I live with...kinda live with?

So we went to the show he sang R&B and it was great. I fell asleep in the van while waiting for everyone to go. I fell asleep in the van on the way home. More boys said I was a great girl friend (as if we ever questioned that) and that was that. Sunday I went home crafted some awesome things for my boo, continuing my awesomeness and Monday I saw my brother Kevin he made fun of me for living with a 'rock star' (he said this condescendingly) Went back to Hollywood, went to a BBQ at the Rubix apartments, Saw Terrell Owens. Apparently Josh's Aunt used to hook with him...along with 7 other girls and he did her dirty, just like the rest. Boys can suck.


I always feel like I'm part of this dichotomy two forces fighting against each other though. Before I was in this world struggling to divine where I was between the rich and poor. I didn't know where I lied and thats still a problem but now its taken on a new face, the struggling artist and the professional world. Having graduated and realized I spent maybe 1% of my days in college being creative I've joined to work force. Doing a job I believe is short term and will only last a year. I want to support my relationship with Josh because I don't think we'll thrive if we continue to live on the floor of an apartment with 2-5 other people (depending on the night). I want us to have our own place where we can be us an where we can create. Its too hard for either of us to be creative when there isn't even a place to sit or have a minute alone. But part of me is afraid this will become my life. I don't want this life and I try to pretend its not real and that I'm just playing dress up every day as I go into my big law firm with crazy security and nearly impossible to get into. I just don't want it to be forever. This job is the exact opposite of creative. They tell me what to wear what color my hair should be, I have to wear makeup and had to take out my nose ring. It's stiffling but at the same time I have all this time to write. I don't like writing when the atmosphere isn't perfect but beggars can't be choosers right?

So maybe this time next year I'll have written my first novel, be applying to graduate schools and Josh will start touring. That's my goal, my hope and dream for next year. I don't need it to be a fairy tale ending I just need it to start.

I never thought being 21 would be like this.

I never thought that just 6 short months after graduation I would be working at a law firm, buying a new car and looking for apartments with my boyfriend. Although it often feels like I'm stressing over everything I cannot contain my true happiness. I count my lucky stars every night before I lay my head down. I don't know how long all my happiness will last and I am constantly being challenged with life's little obstacles but I never forget how far I've come from the "sad sober girl" in the inland empire.

My latest struggles include trying to get an apartment with my other half. Apparently people think just because I'm 21 I must have horrible credit when in reality I have very good credit. But my baby face has deterred leasing offices from letting me rent an apartment from them. I'm sure the fact that two little kids playing house has crossed their minds when they see Josh and I applying but that just goes to show you how you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

Its funny because I've never considered myself a responsible kid, let alone a responsible adult but that is the persona I believe I'm beginning to take on. My co-workers are constantly telling me how mature I am, how I'm the most responsible and most normal receptionist they have ever had. I laugh because I go home and watch disney channel and read Harry Potter books. I'm hardly a grown up and honestly I don't want to be, but still I think I deserve at a least a chance at getting my dream apartment or at least close to it?

My mom was telling me how a hundred years ago when her and my father were dating no one would rent to them either...because they weren't married. I told Josh this and concluded when we go to Vegas for our birthdays we should just get married. Ya know get the marriage license so we can get an apartment but not tell anyone. The irony in that is hilarious to me. Such a childish way to go about trying to be considered grown up to outsiders. I'm sure we wont end up doing this (unless we are really drunk) I kid I kid!!!!

I'm just tired and stressed out from looking for apartments and not getting anywhere. I know I'm young and I'm too young to be making how much I do probably but I'm not complaining. I say I'm blessed and everything happens for a reason. I just wanted a place where Josh could have his own space to work on music. I guess we are already a lot farther than most couples our age and we should be thankful for that, is it too much to ask for the perfect apartment too? I don't think I'm being greedy...oh my first world problems, how boring they really are. I was thinking about the receptionist before me. She was 21 too but so depressed all the time. I felt like I could sympathize for her having gone through that every day once I realized I was really graduating until the day Fern told me I got the job. Why is being 21 such a struggle right now? We all should be having fun going out and drinking every day with our friends. We shouldn't be worried about careers, we certainly shouldn't be dealing with miscarriages and boys who treat us like shit. I wish I could tell her to do what she loves. To find what she loves, it doesn't matter if you are good at it just keep doing it until you are the best. I should take my own advice.