Where are you now?

I'm constantly questioning everything, doubting everything, over thinking everything. I have the worst anxiety over the next 4 weeks and what will happen. I'm worried that if I don't go to Vegas I'm making a mistake, I'm that if I stay here I'm making a mistake. I feel like if I don't go I will never find a way to pay for grad school, I'll never take a GRE course, and write the novel I have to to apply to grad school and that I'll never get in. I'm afraid that if I leave and do have all the time to do those things, I still wont do it. I know its all about be a self starter and sometimes I try to be a started lately but I'll have been falling through with it instead of following through with it. Thats always in my head it never leaves and it is very discouraging. But today I asked for from a guy I met through my internship and he was more than willing to help me with my paper. It wasn't event that I thought oh wow what a great guy, it was more about I'm so lucky I met him through the internship. Lately I feel like I have been working really hard and I have always liked to believe hard work pays off. However I look at my moms situation, she has worked at this job for 7 years and all the hard work, the crap she has put up with may be for nothing because even though she has been doing this type of job for 30+ years if she loses her job she may not be able to find a new one. All the hard work over the years will be for nothing. I mean maybe she could have worked harder? Is that the lesson I'm suppose to take away from this? What I meant by this is that it is also discouraging. What if I work this hard and its all for nothing, all I get from it all is a piece of paper that says I was in college, or a letter of recommendation to no one because I have no where else to go or a broken down car and no money? I know its a risk that I'm taking...I mean I guess you can look at it that way just like my decision about LA or LV. I just don't know at this point which is the bigger risk. I love my life here, well it has its ups and downs, but at the same time I think I might need change. Southern California is the only thing I know, which means the only people who can really relate to anything I write is people from Southern California. I want more life experience, but I know if I stay I'll get writing experience which is another thing I want. Ultimately I understand that this is my choice and no one can tell me what to do but sometimes I just need a little direction or a sign. I guess we will see what happens. Waiting is all I can do.

Still Searching

It's funny how the truth can bend and take different forms from different perspectives. You would think there is only one solid True truth, but how can you argue with how one person remembers it versus how another person remembers it.
I remember the night after I saw Andrew in Vegas I was distraught because I didn't remember that night, and still don't, but during the day my cousin, who I hadn't from in a long time messaged me on facebook, telling me that he would call me soon. I couldn't have been happier. I thought I had Andrew, my best friend, back and my cousin! How could I be so lucky? In reality I probably destroyed my friendship with Andrew that day but we all make mistakes and I can't take any of it back now. As for my cousin, I told my mom that I don't know why he would respond to me after everyone else had tried. She said what I wrote him was probably the most heart felt and real. She went on to tell me how I worshipped him. He would be sitting there and I would just stare at him (I was so creepy, but don't worry it gets worse). I remember sitting in the car with my mom, I was really little, and  I asked her if people could marry their cousins. She looked at me and said no sweetie, I then replied "well if I can't marry Nico then can I marry you?" apparently you can't marry your mom either lol
I know I'm lost in this world, I usually don't know where I'm going or even where I am right now. I've made so so many mistakes and I try really hard to learn from them even tho I often repeat them. I know sometimes I feel numb to all this and just want watch it all float by but I also know that family is sometimes the only thing that is real in this world and thats the thing I have to hold onto the most when I feel this way. I know Kevin will tell me I'm lost but I look to him for the right direction, I know my mom will be there to hold my hand while I'm lost and to dry my tears, I know my dad will be the comic relief and Tim will be the one tell me he is proud of me. My aunts will be there to push me through when I feel like I'm falling backwards. And hopefully my cousin will be the one thats right beside me as we talk our way out of the abyss.

You use fashion, they use music but I use words

Last week at my lovely job I met...ummm who did I meet? OH YEAH!!!! Corey Shapiro of Vintage Frames. He is very wealthy. Not exactly the nicest person but I think he is one of those people who see what they want and they take it they don't ask and thats why he is so successful. And he is REALLY successful. But he is a cool cat. Today I kinda met Machine Gun Kelly's manager and some of his peeps. They were really nice. A little weird about a rival brand I couldn't really hear because my eavesdropping skills are not on point but they were talking about a competing brand and how they fucked up with MGK yo no se.

I've been noticing my lack of focus and my work ethic becoming very shitty lately. Really it all started freshman year and it has just been escalating. The awful part is that I notice it and don't do anything about it. I keep saying I'm going to change but I haven't. I've become too comfortable and I think I need a change. At first I wanted to leave LA for relationship problems, which really wasn't enough to get me to actually want to leave. But now I see leaving will get me out of my comfort zone. Yes I'm tired of this 'grind' and I see no end in sight but I know its hard work to get to where I want to go and being at this internship just solidifies that. All this people are working so hard. And they don't ever stop working hard no matter how much success they have or how much they've "made it." It is a sad reality but its a price I'm willing to pay to get my message out there. Never give up on your dreams <3

A new leaf or new life

Last week I started my internship and it was amazing. Within the first two days I met some pretty cool people. On Thursday Billy Sorrel from "Shit Black Girls Say" came in to do a photo shoot. After about 5 minutes in front of a red screen he decided to take his shoes off and run into the streets to oncoming traffic. Needless to say he was crazy and hilarious. He just sat barefooted in the middle of the street. His impeccable reasoning for removing his socks and shoes is as follows: people are just so much more comfortable once you've taken your shoes off!
Clearly.

On Friday The Game was suppose to come in but he got caught up writing a song and sent his assistant/stylist lady who was incredibly nice and helpful to the brand. Its really cool seeing people being friendly and people who know they have the power to help you to actually offer help not just get free clothes.
Which brings me back to my Blake. He sat me down and asked me my dreams and aspirations...jk jk he asked me why I wanted this internship. I explained how lost I was that I don't ever want to stop writing but I want to try and use it in other fields like fashion and music. Surprisingly enough his brother is in the music industry and his parents have published books. I think I just became one of the luckiest people in the world. I have this great opportunity to network with a ton of important people, who I'm sure need some things written, like blogs, or interviews and I can offer my skills. Network network network! Where have I heard that before? At least this soRAWRity taught me some good life skills, not just raising my alcohol tolerance ;]

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm going. Are you coming with me?

I don't think I've ever been this lost. I have no drive, focus or ambition sometimes. I don't know where I'm going or where to go, where to live, where to work, what to do when I graduate. I feel like I have all this life changing decisions to make and I'm too scared to make them. I know its okay to be scared as long as you don't let it change you, but I'm not entirely sure who I am or who I want to be. I know I love writing and I would succumb to as much disappointment, heartbreak and criticism as it took to become a successful writer, but then there is the whole issue of choices. Plath wrote about how the fig tree represented all the different choices in her life that she can make, she sat beneath the tree staring at all the choices in front of her. Can we really do it all? Because lately I've been criticized for wanting it all. I don't want to have to make a choice between doing what I love or making money. Being a struggling writer or having a family. Doing as many things and learning as many things as I want or staying focused on ONLY writing. Well listen to me, you people who think I'm lost, who think I'm giving up, who think they know what I'm doing before I even know. I WANT this. I want to learn about fashion, about music, about the business side of things. I want to learn about screenwriting, even though I want to write novels, I want to learn about film, movies and television even though I want to be a writer. Why do you think I have to make a choice NOW? Let me try it all out, let me do all the things I want. Yes, I will make mistakes, and I will be poor sometimes, and I will leave family occasionally and I will be alone. But I just see those all as experiences AND EXPERIENCES THAT I CAN WRITE ABOUT. I wont let anyone make me feel bad for the way I feel. Yes I'm confused, but guess what I'm 21 and hopefully I've only lived about a quarter of my life. Things for me could be a lot worse. I've got a bachelors degree and I'm 21 years old. What about you? Oh yea you make a bunch of money or you are already on a career path, whatever good for you, but I'm going to make my own path, I'm not going to do things traditionally and I'm going to do it the way that makes me most comfortable. I don't feel comfortable putting myself into $100,000 debt for school when there is no guarantee that I'll get a job out of it. I think its stupid. Some people may think its the only way to go, but guess what all those people who are just finishing undergrad who have no job but $75,000 in debt and have no way of paying it, guess what I did my undergrad the way I want. I didn't choose the best school I could go to, instead I chose the school that wouldn't put me in debt when I was finished. So I'm lost, but at least I only owe $6,000. I'm going to do things my way end of story, and if you don't like it you can tell me "I told you so" every time I fail, but that wont ever stop me. I may fail a thousand times but I will never give up on my dreams and I will do everything I want. I don't want to just sit at home and daydream and write (don't get me wrong I do want to do that but not just that) I will DO anything I want and then I will take those experiences and I'll write about them.

I'm Lost

Ever since 8th grade I've known exactly what I wanted to do and how I would do it. First I'd get the eff out of Colton, I did that by being amazing, obviously. JK, no I worked my ass, getting all A's, joining as many sports and clubs as I could and working. It worked, so far all my hard work had paid off, I got into every school I wanted to get into. Next step, going to UCLA, major in creative writing. The plan had always been that, then go to University of Iowa and get my Masters in Fine Arts, write books and be happy. Well I lost focus on step 2 and now here I am 5 months from graduation with no where to go. I have always had a plan and it scares me so much to be uncertain of my future. Writing has been put on the back burner, because I just don't see anyway thats going to happen, at least right now. I keep applying for internships that are "related to my major/desire career" but the fact is I'm just not very good at it. And what do I expect, I come from a low income high school that does the bare minimum to meet requirements and teach their kids. I know I could have tried harder in high school, but lets face it if I went through my education not knowing what a preposition was I don't think I can be entirely the one to blame. And if you don't know a prepositional phrase, or when you are using passive voice people aren't really so keen on you editing their papers, reports, anything that would be related to writing. I just wish I would have figured this out sooner, like when I had time to change my major. Now its too late and I have this amazing degree and I can't do anything with it. AND NO I DO NOT WANT TO BE A FUCKING TEACHER...I would have accepted my free ride to CSUSB if I just wanted to teach at Colton High. 

So now that I figured out I need to broaden my horizons, which I'm coming to terms with because there are a ton of interesting jobs out there that I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, I started applying for internships outside my major. Mainly music and fashion because those are two things I've always loved next to writing. And I know some people and I got this awesome internship at an up and coming clothing company. I was so excited on the drive home. I was proud of myself and I was like oh yea I'm getting my foot in the door and since I'll be finished with school in december maybe they'll hire me. 

I come into my house and my brother is sitting, waiting for me and I jump up and down and spin in a circle while shouting "I got an internship, I got an internship!" he looks at me and gives me a hug as asks, thats cool where. I explain it to him. Then I explain why I drove all the way out to LA on a whim. On the slight chance I'll get an unpaid internship...I tell him "well 2 weeks ok I applied for internship at a recording studio, I had my friend teach me how to make beats and use some common programs because they wanted you to know all that stuff, and then after they said they'd email me to set up a date on a week I could go out there they never replied again." Kevin (my brother) just shakes his head. I say "I know what jerks, isn't that so rude...and mean!" He looks at me again and he says "you're so lost."

It changed my entire mind set. I knew I was. I know I'm still lost, but this gave me hope. Maybe I could work in the fashion industry, J. Love and I could really start our clothing company like we always joked about. Maybe I could save money for FIDM instead of grad school. God knows I know a ton of people in the fashion industry, 7 for all mankind, the designer of xhilartion, crooks & castles, party rock crew. I don't know I'm fine with being a poor starving artist (aka the writer route) but what if I never make it. What if I don't have the talent, I have the drive but I just don't know how to do it I guess. 

I guess I'll just stay lost for a bit. Maybe it will give me something to write about.

Inspiration?

This summer, in attempts to graduate after fall quarter, I decided to take a couple of classes. One is a screenwriting class with Richard Walter, who has basically taught almost all the big name screenwriters in Hollywood. He is an amazing professor, and I'm really lucky to be in the class. However, I suck. I cannot write this fucking script. I'm feeling very discouraged and embarrassed about my writing, which never happens. I'm generally pretty confident but with this story I keep feeling like I wont do it justice. The character is a combination of two girls, but two girls I've never met. One is a girl who killed herself and I never met her. The events that happen are based on a girl who got her boyfriend addicted to heroine and basically did some really fucked up shit. However, because I have never met either of these girls I cannot come up with the dialogue for her. I know how I want her to be but I just have no idea what these girls would say in situations like this. I guess I need to stop making my character out of these girls and start making her how I want and not care what people think. Its hard to just use information you've heard about a girl and be expected to make a character act and say things like that girl. I guess I need to come to terms with that.

On another note I love how writing is the only way I can work through my problems now.

As I procrastinate writing my script, I look at all the social media websites my friends use. I want so much to be with them sometimes. I want to be on their couch playing Call of Duty, passing out on their floor and waking up at 3 in the afternoon and do the same damn thing. But I have to remind myself why my friends can do this on a Thursday. They have started to make something for themselves. I have to remember that I'm still in school and I haven't made it as a writer. I haven't even come close. It's hard to pass up going out with all my friends in Hollywood, drinking having a good time with the people I love but if I want to continue to do this I have to get on the next level first. But knowing me I'm going to continue to do what I've done for the past 3 years and go out with my friends. I'm going to make amazing memories and sometimes forget what I did that night. And then do a half ass job at whatever I'm working on.

Some Days are Like Lemonade

A girl wrote this news article about how we are all young, how we have so much time to make our dreams come true. That we see our friends and some of them have found all this success and they may not even be 21 yet, but she kept saying that there is so much time to make these things happen for ourselves. I thought it was so reassuring. I felt some of my anxiety just fall away because her words made me feel safe. They made me feel like I don't have to rush to be like my friends who make thousands of dollars a day, that I still have time to be like them. Like I haven't failed yet. But the sad part is that she died just a few days after she wrote this article. I mean I've always believed your time comes when you realize something incredibly significant about life. I think you die once you've gotten to where you are suppose. I mean I know there are people who have died right in their prime. Sadly many of my friends are those people. They all died in horrific accidents but these people had left such an impact on lives while they were alive. I don't think they died in vain. I think they could have been so much more but they all were so wise about life even though they weren't even older than 21. And I like to hope thats what happened to the girl who wrote this article. She said she wanted to find the opposite of loneliness in life and she had found that in Yale, and she was going to try and find it through out her life. I think all my friends who have died found the opposite of loneliness. They were all such amazing and full of life. People were happier just being around them. I just can't believe for a second that they hadn't achieved something yet. I think they achieved something that a lot of us have yet to find or even realize thats what we are suppose to be achieving. I want to be smart. I want get my degree and use it and I want my family and friends to be proud of me, and I want all those people who judged me in high school to feel stupid for doubting me, for smirking, for making up lies, for torturing me to know that no matter what they did to me they didn't stop me. Their darkness couldn't stop me from shining like the brightest star. I've never been normal. I've always done weird things since I was a child and I'm not ever going to stop being different. I don't strive to be normal because thats overrated. I strive to make my dreams come true no matter how far fetched and ridiculous they may be. I'll never give up and even though I want that opposite of loneliness I wont search for it in a single person. We don't need one person to be complete, we needs hundreds! They more the merrier right? I have such a great support system and I may not have companionship with some guy who says he 'loves' me everyday (which is totally fine if you do) but I have so much more than that. I have friends who tell me they love me before they hang up the phone. Friends who save a spot for me in their car for their road trip before I even get a chance to ask them their plans for Memorial Day Weekend. I have friends who I fight with and within 3 hours we are laughing and totally forgot we were fighting about something. I have friends who I will grow old with who I will see the world with and I don't really need anything more than that. But I want to make those friends proud and I want to support them the same way they support me. I want to buy them all their dream houses and help them make their dreams come true.
I believe we are nothing without our friends and our family, and even our enemies. They all push us to be our best, to be THE best. Even though people have hurt us in our lives all we can do is forgive them and make sure we don't let them close enough to hurt us again. And when we surround ourselves with the people we love and who love us all that pain seems so insignificant, so silly. I like to see the good in people and believe no one intentionally is malicious. Maybe they lost their way, or were never taught how to treat people and I feel sorry for those people because they may never experience the love that surrounds them.

Brace yourself #ShitJustGotReal

I know these things don't really fall under my category of topics but they are both things that really effect me.

1. Tuition
Obvi I'm a starving college student, but I've been blessed to have parents who spend every dime they can spare on my education. I'm really lucky because I know a lot of people who have had to drop out of school because of tuition hikes. But this quarter its effecting me. Hopefully things are just being miscommunicated but if not my tuition doubled. This is something I cannot handle. I'm so close to being finished. I'm in debt as it is, which I didn't want to happen when I was graduating but sometimes we sacrifice things for incredible experiences. I don't regret for a second taking out a loan to study abroad but I am in debt now, end of story. It sucks to be 2 quarters away from my piece of paper that says I went to ucla. The only thing I can think of is to transfer and that would suck...to have to transfer when I am this close...it's really unfair.

I was just at a fundraiser for a preschool last night. These are the wealthiest parents in Los Angeles and these parents were so stingy with their money it made me sick. They spent more on their hair and their outfits for that night than they were willing to donate to their children's education. It sucks that my parents are so giving and they have nothing left to give and these parents wont even buy a fucking quilt with their kids faces on it to help their kids education. What is wrong with these people?! Did money make them so ungrateful, so selfish? Its disgusting. There is just no excuse, you have the money to further you childrens education and you don't because, oh the economy is really bad right now, maybe next year we will bid, or well they just raised the tuition of the school so we don't really need to donate. Its just disgusting. I wish I could easily afford my college, but I can't and its so unfair seeing and watching it happen.

2. I'm kinda to exhausted to even write about this right now, but I'll give it a shot. Racism. I can't believe its 2012 and this is still an issue. Why? why does the color of my skin matter? I don't understand it, I understand older people who grew up with different 'ideals' but this is my generation and there are still hate crimes going on in one of the best universities in California!? I remember being little, trying to wash the 'dirt' off of my skin because I was best friends with all the little white girls, and my mom came in and saw me and told me "hunny, thats your skin, you can't wash it off." Why do they hate us for something that is out of our control? I didn't make my skin this color and even if I did I'd rather be brown and beautiful than anything else. I love who I am and I had to face the racist views of my father growing up and I'm not the most Mexican of girls but I am Mexican and now I can say I'm proud to be what I am. But I wasn't always proud, in fact I was almost always resentful. I think its because I don't understand why people hate people of color. Do we still need a scapegoat? Is it because our economy is failing, because America the young nation isn't doing so well, lets blame the mexicans, or the blacks or the asians or even the jews...shouldn't we be trying to prove everyone wrong, and banding together to beat the failing economy. I know easier said than done. But I think by allowing racism to still occur we are just being that silly young nation who doesn't know any better. Get you're shit together some of us are brown, some of us are gay/lesbian/transgender, some of us have different religions get over it, we aren't hurting you so why do you continue to hurt us?

All these choices

I complain about girls who seek male attention to validate themselves, but am I do the same thing? Surprisingly a lot of people are interested in but I was holding out for him, hoping he'd call me again...and he did. I guess all those girls that told me he'd call just ignore him and he'll come back. I was surprised and way to eager when he called. I still am and now he is back to ignoring me. I feel shitty about it but not even 2 minutes ago I was thinking how lucky I am. I actually feel hopeful about my future. I know the only thing I love and will be happy doing is writing, but when I talked some fellow adpi's about my future everything seemed to work out. I'll go learn some entertainment law stuff, I'll move to Vegas and have my last hoorah get some crazy experience and then climb my way up the legal entertainment industry? perfect right? But these ladies didn't even have a boyfriend. 33 years old and no relationship, no kids...Sylvia Plath's Fig Tree is looking further and further away. Maybe being a woman we don't have all these choices that we like to make ourselves believe are there. The "working" moms that came sold jewelry and makeup now. They gave up their powerful CEO and Vice President positions to be with their children, which i can fully understand. I want lots of babies. But do I have to give up my career too. I want to go to the baseball games, be the girl scout leader, the in class mom or whatever. Lets face it you can't work a 9-5 job and do those things. I want to raise my kids, I wouldn't want some college student or spanish speaking nanny to raise them. But I'm not willing to give up my dream on writing and that requires money and talent. I'm hopeful about my writing maturing, and I know eventually it will happen for me as long as I keep at it, but where do the rest of the figs fit on the tree. Do i too only pick one fig? Plath had her writing career and her children and ended up committing suicide. I think I 'll with my fantasy that the fig tree represents all the possibilities of my choices and I don't have to choose only one, even if it isn't reality.

Last Night

It was one of those typical nights Annette and I have. We started out at some strange bar/club that looked like it belonged in the 90's. First of there was like a psychedelic screen wooshing colors around and such, then over the bar were these huge gaudy chandeliers over the bar and finally there were other strange light fixtures all around the entire ceiling...very strange. The drinks were so strong we wimped out and couldn't finish our second one by the time the place closed. When we left Annette didn't want to go home so we attempted to look for another bar to go to at 2:30 AM. Needless to say we failed. But luckily (well actually it was horrible luck but I'll get to that) this strange old man was walking by right as we arrived at the closed bar and asked us if we wanted to go to PlayHouse. Of course we were down but when we got there the security took my ID. sad face. I sat there talking to him for about 30 minutes asking him if I can just have it back and leave and he gave it to another security guy and he walked away!!!!! So here we are Annette, this strange old man and I outside PlayHouse waiting for my ID to magically come back and trying to convince everyone my ID was real! (which it was not) Finally I asked the original guy where the other guy went and he said he went to go to the cop, but he wasn't where the cop was. Completely at a loss of what to do I said whelp (yes, just like that) lets just go. The stranger invited us to his house to have beer or champagne, naturally we agreed to this, however, looking back i realize how stupid that decision was. We drove to his apartment peed had a drink talked about our shitty lives, and how I no longer have an ID, and really just had ridiculous sad drunk talk with this man. (we also ate strawberries with chocolate and whipped cream...super awksocks) and then we left and took pictures in the elevator, which Annette apparently didn't remember taking. I then woke up this morning to 7 texts messages and one particularly lovely one from Annizle saying "I woke up in the bathtub. Idk what I get myself into with u" hahahahahah there is never a dull moment thats for sure. I may have bad luck and do illegal things meet strangers and make really really dangerous decisions but luckily things always work out. I'm sure I have a guardian angel up there, or a few.

On another note some boy at Chipotle gave me his number, I turned so red when he asked for mine. The lady standing to pay was like get it girl and that just made me redder hahaha and tomorrow Julianne is coming!!!!! Which means the craziness is going to get about 10 x's crazier and I can't wait.

Time to study african american literature, joy.

Resurrection

Some people wonder why their friends kill themselves. Having been there, in that dark and lonely place I don’t wonder. I know what its like to feel the stress pile on top of you, so heavy you feel like you can’t even breath. I know what its like to feel so alone, like no one cares or could possibly fathom the way you feel. I know because I killed myself.

I had been a happy person my entire life. In high school I was the typical over achiever and I got into all the best UC’s but I couldn’t afford to go, I lived with my aunt because my parents had died in a car crash when I was younger. But I was resilient; I wasn’t going to let tragedy hinder my chances at a wonderful life. So I sold Avon to pay my bills while I enjoyed a free ride to Cal State University of San Bernardino.

It was my senior year, I had two quarters left and I would graduate with Honors in the Nursing program. But the stress got to me. I tried to talk to my professors. I tried to tell them. But the words wouldn’t come out. I left my professor’s office hours. Feeling completely defeated. And I jumped. 3 stories I fell, but not to my death. I fell into the ICU. I underwent surgery. That’s where I died.

The thing most people don’t think about when they kill themselves is everyone they leave behind. My soul is stuck, in-between. Its bleak here, everyone seems to be like a shade, more than a ghost but less than a living person. They can’t hear me or see me, I can’t touch the people I love, I can’t comfort them. I can’t even go to heaven or to hell, instead I sit here and watch my loved ones think about me. Whenever they think about me I’m called to them. I sit and watch them mourn me, watch them question my actions and watch them blame themselves. But the worst part is my friend thinks about me now every time she considers committing suicide.

I’ve been following her around for days now, she still doesn’t realize my presence. I try to communicate with her you know all those movies about ghosts being able to push objects and causes noise or something…there are FALSE. I need to find a way for her to realize who I am and that I am here.

She spends so much time on her computer she doesn’t even look up to see what is in front of her face, no wonder she is depressed she is missing an entire world, if only she opened her eyes! Maybe I can use a mode of technology to contact her, after all technology just consists of waves, and codes that cannot decipher between living and dead

Me: Katie, I need you to listen to me this is very important…
Katie: umm who is this?
Me: well, its Hannah,

I know you are thinking this must be a joke but listen to me Its me Hannah, the only person who ever calls you mom Momma Katie and sit with her for every race you swim in.
Katie: everybody knows Hannah called my mom that, if this was really Hannah she          would know why the last time I text her was for…
Hannah: you thought you were texting Nick because his name was right before mine in your contacts list
Katie: this can’t possibly be you, are you alive? Why would people said youre dead! Whats going on im so confused!
Hannah: I’m dead…and I know you want to kill yourself. I’m going to tell you you can’t do that
Katie: but you did it
Hannah: yea and look how everyone I love feels now, they are said and they blame themselves.

Katie: will we all thought you would talk to us if you were feeling sad or whatever
Hannah: I couldn’t tell anyone, are you kidding?!? I’m not that kinda of person to want to do that, to kill myself. I couldn’t let people know my thoughts, those thoughts are unnatural in my religion, my family would have blown it out of proportion.
Katie: no they wouldn’t, that’s a cop out and even if they did why wouldn’t you tell you friends? We are all for you…well were here for you
Hannah: I DIDN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT OK!! And this isn’t about me its about you. You can’t do what I did because then everyone you would love would feel the way you do about me…endless question. I just wanted it all to stop

Katie: me too.

I left Katie alone for quite some time after this conversation. I didn’t know how to help or even to fully convince her I am who I say I am. I decided I would tell her to ask me a question that only someone in the room could see. She proceeded to pick her nose. When I asked if she found any gold she instantly thought someone was spying on her, I reminded her that the classroom she was sitting it was not only completely empty, but there were no windows and how could someone plant a camera in that exact spot to just spy on her, it would be impossible to do that at the precise moment she randomly walked into an empty classroom. Now that I had her complete belief that I am Hannah her deceased friend I know I would be able to tell her to just no commit suicide so my soul can pass on by.  She reluctantly agreed. When I went back to the man he didn’t have to say anything. His facial expression articulated his complete and utter disappointment in me. So I went back to be with Katie again.
            When I found her she was lying on the floor of her bedroom, in the fetal position listening to songs about life, happiness and love, in attempts to experience a wholeness that the songs represented. She crying and bleeding, she embodied hopelessness. I had no idea how to help her. I knew exactly how she felt, I mean I had killed myself to get away from this world and I’m still trapped here.
            Four months had passes, I stayed by Katies side through it all, the death of another one of her friends, her uncle dying, her aunt getting thrown into jail and another aunt being diagnosed with cancer. Katie was hurting more than ever and she just wanted to pain to go away. I saw that pain and I couldn’t be around it, she reminded me of me. I knew she just wanted to take all that pain and shove it deep, deep down inside herself where she wont feel it anymore, or take it away some how.

The day of her friend’s funeral coincidently that was the day my friends from college were graduating. I went to the college and watched enormous amounts of people swarm the stadium in excitement. All of my friends were there and all of their families were there, except me. This was supposed to be my graduation! I was so mad I wished at that moment the world or anybody would hear my screams. All my friends help up their new degrees, discussed the plans for their new lives, and I didn’t even have a life anymore. What have I done!? I took away my own future. My plans of being a nurse and helping like those people who helped me so many years ago the night of my parents car crash. And I was going to start a family, I wanted nothing more then to feel life growing inside my body, watching and teaching a young human being how to be a good person. Why didn’t I think about these things before I jumped. I had so much to live for, what was I thinking? Why did it take me so long to realize that my dreams were bigger than any stress I had ever felt. I had dreams and now they are nothing more than faint ideas of the past and family and friends will quickly forget, or never even realized. I was going to prove all those people in high school were wrong about me, I would get out of here and live a life full of enjoyment. I was going to prove my family wrong, they mocked me when I said one day I’ll run a hospital, being a nurse was just my first step. I guess they were right, there was no escaping San Bernardino, I’ll forever be stuck here, along with my memory.  How can I show this idea to Katie though?

            I told Katie to take her three year old nephew, Will, to the pool, she reluctantly agreed, but of course questioned my motives. I told her to have her fearless nephew jump into the water and you catch him (via text message). She obliged, I told her to pay special attention to his facial expression confused she quietly walked into the water and told Will to jump into her arms.  Will hesitated at first, afraid to trust Katie but she told him it would be ok, she’ll catch him. Will stepped back half a step and leaped into Katie’s arms his eyes open wide and his mouth grew into the largest, purest grin Katie ever saw.  His true excitement over jumping in to the water was something rare to Katie. When she asked me why I showed her this I replied:
“I wanted you to see what happiness was, to remember the simple things in life that as children were the greatest experiences to us. Will’s purity is alone enough to see the goodness in the world that we are often felt plighted of.”

Katie: “But we can never experience this pure happiness again, because we are aware of our sins and are never this pure again.”

            Katie was right in a sense, but she missed my point I wanted her to experience joy by experiencing an innocent child enjoying the seemingly arbitrary aspects of life. I continued my efforts in showing Katie the beautiful aspects of life that I often overlooked. Then it hit me, Katie’s one true passion in this world was film, she wanted to direct award winning movies.  I called upon Katie attention with one last attempt to make her see that life is worth living because of human experiences of passion and reason I emailed Katie a list of every underprivileged director that has in a sense made it. She agreed that they persevered (she was not looking for it) I told her that they never gave up.

I know people tell you this all the time, you are great, amazing, beautiful smart, lucky but none of that matters. Really will any of that help your dreams come true? They might but they definitely won’t if you kill yourself. Your dreams, hopes and aspirations will die with you. There is no one who will say oh let me finish working on Katies dream now that she is dead. Life is precious, a gift, and you are blessed to be given the opportunity to dream. You fail to see the simple joys that make the struggles of this earth worth living through. You fail to see beyond the stress the loneliness the solitude the hurt, there is an entire world that you will never see. Once I’m released I don’t get to go visit the places I always wanted to see they remain a mystery. If you kill yourself this life is no better I am forced to my dreams wither away while I’m stuck, not moving.

Katie looked at her dresser full of her film equipment. The idea of never attaining that dream the idea that she will slide into nothingness, not even give herself the chance to be remembered was paralyzing.

Katie I know it is going to be hard to live life this way, but its about working towards a better future, one step at a time, one step closer to your dream.

Katie: all this time my dreams have remained something I had to put on the back burner until I had freedom to dabble in documentaries and autobiographies and photography. I should have been focusing on why those things gave me purpose, the same way I give them purpose

            I felt a great strength pulling me away from Katie, I quickly typed to her:

Me: Katie I think you’ll be okay, nobody said it would be easy they only promised it would be worth it.

Katie: you’ve helped me so much I just wish you would have realized this before it was too late.

Me: me too,  I have to leave you, I’ll always love you, remember me.

It was beautiful, green and lush, there was bright and warm light and then Katie was gone.

Better Than Love

So this is my first post that I'm making an effort to have people read which couldn't be a more appropriate time since the gluten free slut strikes again! Last night she did at least. Long story short I ruined a relationship that was probably the most hopeful I've had in a while. But as my G Lil (grand little) says he wasn't worth my time and treated me like shit...i don't agree with that but she claims to know more than me lol. anyways here I am questioning my actions, wondering what is wrong with me, but I know the reason I did it was because he would never want to be with after that. I didn't want to keep getting hurt so thats why, but I ended up hurting myself more in the end. She tells me I dont need to change and she says the reason my relationships don't work out is because my boy-picker is broken. I wish that was it but I'm really beginning to think there is something wrong with me not them. But then I realize I've been fucked over and my heart is barely together and I'm hesitant with good cause. I'm glad I'm over all that but its still apart of who I am. Writers never really had happy lives. Even J.K. Rowling had a really messed up and sad life thats why the last few books were really dark. So maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve, and maybe i trust people too easily and i get hurt and I love with everything i have and thats why it hurts so bad right now. But i'm not going to apologize for trying to move on, even if it was premature. I have flaws, and I make mistakes and this is the way I am. I drink two drinks and black out. Everything about me is fucked up but I thinks thats why I'm a good writer, because no matter what happens to me I can write about the raw feeling I have happiness, sadness, love, hate anything. If you can't accept that then you can go. I'm doing the best that I can. Can I promise you things will be perfect and easy no. But this is what you get a completely neurotic girl, obsessed, paranoid, doubtful but full of love and ready and willing to share it with you. But if thats not what you want then you need to be honest with me and yourself.

Now that we have covered the slut part lets move onto the gluten. I of course ate a cookie believing it to be GFree...it was not. I haven't eaten all day, but that could partly be because of this gaping hole i feel in my chest which usually happens at times like these. I've been bad all around with my diet, just eating whatever I feel like. I have a splitting headache the thought of food makes me want to barf and I'm emotionally unstable...The fact that flour and wheat can make me feel all this is unnerving. On a more positive note McD's french fries haven't made me sick yet and I'm in love with these Pure bars. They are so fruity and delicious. What would I do with out my fabulous mother to make these amazing new discoveries. And of course I live off of Think Thin bars still, thank you Alexis Vaatate for turning me on to that, best tattoo sesh ever!

Ok I'm going to post my short story later, give me feedback, be gentle though its my first one I'm showing to the world.