I'm Lost

Ever since 8th grade I've known exactly what I wanted to do and how I would do it. First I'd get the eff out of Colton, I did that by being amazing, obviously. JK, no I worked my ass, getting all A's, joining as many sports and clubs as I could and working. It worked, so far all my hard work had paid off, I got into every school I wanted to get into. Next step, going to UCLA, major in creative writing. The plan had always been that, then go to University of Iowa and get my Masters in Fine Arts, write books and be happy. Well I lost focus on step 2 and now here I am 5 months from graduation with no where to go. I have always had a plan and it scares me so much to be uncertain of my future. Writing has been put on the back burner, because I just don't see anyway thats going to happen, at least right now. I keep applying for internships that are "related to my major/desire career" but the fact is I'm just not very good at it. And what do I expect, I come from a low income high school that does the bare minimum to meet requirements and teach their kids. I know I could have tried harder in high school, but lets face it if I went through my education not knowing what a preposition was I don't think I can be entirely the one to blame. And if you don't know a prepositional phrase, or when you are using passive voice people aren't really so keen on you editing their papers, reports, anything that would be related to writing. I just wish I would have figured this out sooner, like when I had time to change my major. Now its too late and I have this amazing degree and I can't do anything with it. AND NO I DO NOT WANT TO BE A FUCKING TEACHER...I would have accepted my free ride to CSUSB if I just wanted to teach at Colton High. 

So now that I figured out I need to broaden my horizons, which I'm coming to terms with because there are a ton of interesting jobs out there that I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, I started applying for internships outside my major. Mainly music and fashion because those are two things I've always loved next to writing. And I know some people and I got this awesome internship at an up and coming clothing company. I was so excited on the drive home. I was proud of myself and I was like oh yea I'm getting my foot in the door and since I'll be finished with school in december maybe they'll hire me. 

I come into my house and my brother is sitting, waiting for me and I jump up and down and spin in a circle while shouting "I got an internship, I got an internship!" he looks at me and gives me a hug as asks, thats cool where. I explain it to him. Then I explain why I drove all the way out to LA on a whim. On the slight chance I'll get an unpaid internship...I tell him "well 2 weeks ok I applied for internship at a recording studio, I had my friend teach me how to make beats and use some common programs because they wanted you to know all that stuff, and then after they said they'd email me to set up a date on a week I could go out there they never replied again." Kevin (my brother) just shakes his head. I say "I know what jerks, isn't that so rude...and mean!" He looks at me again and he says "you're so lost."

It changed my entire mind set. I knew I was. I know I'm still lost, but this gave me hope. Maybe I could work in the fashion industry, J. Love and I could really start our clothing company like we always joked about. Maybe I could save money for FIDM instead of grad school. God knows I know a ton of people in the fashion industry, 7 for all mankind, the designer of xhilartion, crooks & castles, party rock crew. I don't know I'm fine with being a poor starving artist (aka the writer route) but what if I never make it. What if I don't have the talent, I have the drive but I just don't know how to do it I guess. 

I guess I'll just stay lost for a bit. Maybe it will give me something to write about.