All you can do now is LIVE...that is all you can ever do

Its been exactly 28 days since Natasha died, yesterday a well respected member of the "industry" as they call it, or the club scene as everyone else calls it died. He too was 21, I didn't know him very well, only met him a handful of times, but even if you met him you had heard about him. He was a DJ, he made music, ran clubs, like Gotham and did a bunch of amazing things especially amazing considering how young he was. Whenever someone dies there are occasionally those people who feel a need to talk shit, I pity those people. They are so afraid of themselves that they have to shit talk about someone who can't even defend themselves anymore. There is so much more to life then being concerned about the affairs of others, they should also realize this fact.

Its scary when someone so young dies, and I know his friends are hurting, I was there every second for my friends when Kristin died its the most terrible thing to watch. The moment of burying your friend, watching them get lowered into the ground, there is no word that can describe it. It is tragic. The only thing we can do is keep them in our memories, they will live forever in our hearts, but its our duty to keep their memory alive.

Every time this happens it makes me think how precious life is. I can't believe I ever took it for granted. I can't believe I wake up in the morning not wanting to get up. I'm wasting the days I have. I'm fucking up and in the words of Rowdy "stop fucking up!" He is right, its as simple as that, its a mentality. Life is fleeting and you never know when its going to get cut short.
bless all those angels Kristin Barton, Natasha Zahara, and Raul Alianza, your lives were cut way too short, you are missed everyday.

Things start to get complicated

Sebastian.
He is a boy that I work with. He is 19 and his birthday is in March. He moved out here from Nor Cal and he is really smart, all into computers and such.

I find it weird that the boy I end up talking to all are interested in computer. Jacoby, Furr, Matt, now Sebastian. Something weird is at work I suspect.

Last night was the American Music Awards and Andrew and Nathan were on it. I almost cried I was so happy for them. So much has changed in the past year. Part of me wishes things would go back to the way they were, but I could never wish that for them. They are so happy,  and they are living the dream. I think I've come to terms that I'm just one of those people who were a chapter in their lives, which makes me terribly sad. But I'm thankful I got to at least be apart of the story that is their lives and I'm glad they will one day become characters in mine.
I can't stop thinking about all the boys in my life I need some really good advice, or I just need to be alone. It's hard though because I was trying to be alone and then I suddenly became interesting to other people.
I miss my friends. All of them from Crystal to Kristin, from Kelly Resheske to Natasha, from Andrew and Nate to Josh and then all the way back to Ashley S. and Julianne Loveland. I hate when people enter my life then leave. I might have abandonment issues, I don't know why though, I've never been abandoned, maybe thats why I'm afraid of it. I want to get my life together I want to feel again...

I guess I forgot to mention that, I've been holding back, but then I remember no one reads this so I can be as open as I want. so here it goes:
First of all, that Natasha businesss fucked with my head and I somewhat hope that is the reason I feel this way. Second I really miss everyone and I'm always afraid this is going to be the last time I see them (when I see them) but thinking back I felt that way when Kristin died too. Third I can't feel, maybe my emotions have finally gone hay wire and are just denying any feeling, but no matter what I do I don't feel, I feel like a zombie.

But I went to work and Mike was there, my boss, and he made me feel better about my situation: "its not like you killed someone" hahaha truth. And then Sebastian was there and he is coming to my house for Thanksgiving and he showed me his apartment complex, which in itself seems unreal. I'm not entirely sure if he likes me, I'm not entirely sure if I like him, (you know like that) but he is an interesting fellow, and nice, and has things to say which is nice to just listen to something else besides my own psychotic thoughts. And I get to look at this beautiful view so whats the harm.
I still feel empty, and that makes me feel sad. I just want to stop the hurt and I guess thats what I'm trying to do and thats why I can't feel. And its sad that the only person I can tell is not a person at all but a webpage. I must have problems with human interaction.
Did I mention that I glutened myself again? and I've been sick for the past 3 days, which is probably an addition to the reasons I'm so sad and in a bad mood....oh my life

November 10, 2011

I wake up every morning and think of you when I see that bracelet. I'm so happy for you, and proud of you. I remember the days when you couldn't even afford food. I bought you a box of cereal, Captain Crunch of course! I miss you a lot. You were the only person who was there for me when my uncle died, I think thats how all this happened, everything escalated after that...and then it quickly declined. When I think about you I'm not sad, but I do think of a missed opportunity. But I know a relationship wasn't something you wanted.  But I still miss hanging out with you, watching you dance, playing drinking games, watching movies, but talking through the entire movie...poor Despicable Me, it never had a chance. I'd be lying if I said I didn't care if you wore the bracelet. Every time you pop up on my newsfeed because you've been tagged in some fans picture I look straight at your wrist, and I smile because it never fails, you're always wearing it.

In all honesty (I can be honest because I know you'll never read this) you were the only one I really liked. They others didn't make me feel anything, but because of you I stopped thinking about Nick, stops feeling or caring about him completely.

I think its the way you could always make me laugh. At first I always wanted to hang out with you for the sole fact that you made me smile, but then sometimes I made you smile. Then I started to hang out with you to see you smile, I really like your smile. But you have many hussy's lmao I love that word. But I don't care if you take a million pictures with billions of girls, and I don't care if you sleep with them all too, because I don't like you in a romantic way anymore. I can't see you being any more than a friend now I guess. I don't know it could be all the other ladies, but I think I'm looking for someone who can argue with me about ideologies of society. The human nature of our fellow man, to discuss reason v. passion, not that you aren't capable of doing that, because I some how sense you are more than capable of that, I just don't think you would care about those things.


I'm not entirely sure I care about those things, but I'm sick of this ideological romance that our society has prescribed for our generation. Girls completely obsessed and paranoid about whether they are their boyfriends only sex partner, which drives their boyfriends to seek other sex partners since their girl friends are psychotic. I think there are things that are bigger than that meaningless way of living. There is a lot the world has to offer, and you of all people should know since you have seen so much of it. I mean I know fucking can be great and drinking and making money, but there are more important things in life, don't forget that. I understand Josh's drive to make money, he needs it to survive at this point, and he still is only seeing the surface of life, people. He thinks if he eliminates these people who cannot serve him he is fulfilling some void, but he is just distancing himself even more from what truly matters. These people are stupid but I don't know maybe they came into life for a reason. (RANT)

Anyways, I guess in my own selfishness I'm hoping when you come home we hang out so much has happened and I feel sad. I don't want to talk to people, everyday I come home from work knowing that I'm the worlds biggest actress, and the person I'm lying to the most at the end of the day is myself. I'm sick of letting other people in and I guess I figured since I already let you in its not so bad to be me around you. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I'm preaching about not losing yourself when I've completely lost sight of who I am. I can't even see her anymore, my self image is completely fractured. One minute I'm Danielle, then I'm Dani then I'm some sorority girl, or an English major, then I'm a writer with this torture soul. All I can think about is death, maybe I just need human contact to ground me again...at least thats what I'm hoping.



I miss you N, but I know you are doing great.

November 7, 2011

My friend killed herself last week. She jumped off a building at her college. I honestly couldn't believe it. I went through the next two days almost like it didn't happen. I went to work for the first time and I smiled and I asked they would like chips or a drink with that. But then after the funeral, I felt numb. I messed up my register and then Friday, I felt it all come crashing down. I thought I had finally beat this death thing, but I guess I was just ignoring it all.

I feel like some unknown force is messing with me, pushing me to my limits, killing off my family and friends just to see how far I'll go before I fall off the edge. This is the second funeral I've been to where there was much too many people in there early 20's. At Kristin's funeral there were hundreds of kids, none of us knew what to do or how to feel, we couldn't understand how this could happen to someone so early in their life. And then to go this funeral to a girl who cut her own life short. A friend of mine who couldn't stand living any more. Friends who couldn't understand why she felt a need to do this. But I do. I've thought about killing myself countless times, I used to imagine the ways I'd do it. Cut my wrists in the bathtub, jump in front of a bus, over dosing...I never imagined jumping off a building though, I always wanted it to be quick, just end my life as fast as possible. But I got help, and I work very hard to remember why life is so wonderful, sometimes I forget, like on days like these where I feel like I can't tell anyone whats going on because I don't want their sympathy. I don't want to walk into a room where everyone knows what happened and comes to comfort me. There are a select few people I want to help me through this and they are currently out of the country, so I'm pretending like it didn't happen during the day and by night I sit here typing and crying and I don't know why. I'm sad and I'm angry and I just want someone to hold me, for just one night, and tell me Danielle you are not Natasha. You are not going to kill yourself, because you've battled depression and you've won. And don't you ever forget that. But alas, I'm alone and I'm the one who must reassure myself that I know who I am. That even though that could be the possible reason that I don't know why I feel this way, its not. There is some other unknown reason why you feel hopeless and sad and angry but its not because you are projecting your own insecurities onto this situation...at least I hope thats true.

Back to Natasha. She was this beautifully happy girl. The type of person that always makes your day better. She was smart athletic and a southern belle from Georgia, so she had that adorable little twang in her voice that just made you smile when she spoke. She worked hard, she dealt with stress better than I have ever seen, but I guess it got to her just like it gets to all of us sometimes. I'm sad that she felt the only way to deal with her problems was death, but I hope she has found some sense of peace (even though my short story does not depict that) I really hope she is in  better place and that she is at least half as happy as she has made me and all her family and friends while she was still with us.

October 23, 2011

I was laying in bed and staring into space when a sticker on my stereo caught my eye. It looks old, its starting to turn brown and the colors are fading. I have no idea what the sticker is of, the stereo used to be my brothers and he gave it to me. I miss my brother. He isn't the same person he used to be, he is having a psychotic meltdown. You know those meltdowns that people are too afraid to admit they have, or deny having one at all. I've always loved my brother, but I think he has always been sort of impartial to me. He never used to tell me things because he was afraid I would tell our mom. I think that put a strain on our relationship. Now he hates me. I like to think its the meltdown that hates me not him, but its hard to always believe that when he accuses me of doing really awful things. It could be just the 'glutening' talking but I feel incredibly sad about him today. I wish I can turn the clocks back and stop him from ever going to the military. I think his laugh would be so much different today if he never made that mistake. Sometimes I read the letters he wrote me at boot camp. He was such a different person. He was proud of me and I was proud of him. Now I think he may be a little envious of me. I wish I could tell him I spent my entire life hating it. I knew if I could get out of that black hole we call Colton I would have a better life and I would be happy. Everything I do is to insure I never have to go back there. That place takes souls. I was not about to get stuck there. I work hard for that reason. But he had friends, I wouldn't say he loved it there but maybe thats why he never strived to get out of it after boot camp. I don't know what they did to him but I'm pretty sure they beat the shit out of him. And when they did that they took the fight out of him. I don't think he has found that fight yet, I just hope he will be okay one day...

October 10, 2011

This weekend I was honored to be deemed a fugly (gluten free) slut by none other than Nishika and Nikita...betches. But it actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise because now I have a new reason to blog, and because I am just so awesome there is no doubt in my mind that this will turn into a book. lol



“Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase." -Martin Luther King Jr.