I wake up every morning and think of you when I see that bracelet. I'm so happy for you, and proud of you. I remember the days when you couldn't even afford food. I bought you a box of cereal, Captain Crunch of course! I miss you a lot. You were the only person who was there for me when my uncle died, I think thats how all this happened, everything escalated after that...and then it quickly declined. When I think about you I'm not sad, but I do think of a missed opportunity. But I know a relationship wasn't something you wanted. But I still miss hanging out with you, watching you dance, playing drinking games, watching movies, but talking through the entire movie...poor Despicable Me, it never had a chance. I'd be lying if I said I didn't care if you wore the bracelet. Every time you pop up on my newsfeed because you've been tagged in some fans picture I look straight at your wrist, and I smile because it never fails, you're always wearing it.
In all honesty (I can be honest because I know you'll never read this) you were the only one I really liked. They others didn't make me feel anything, but because of you I stopped thinking about Nick, stops feeling or caring about him completely.
I think its the way you could always make me laugh. At first I always wanted to hang out with you for the sole fact that you made me smile, but then sometimes I made you smile. Then I started to hang out with you to see you smile, I really like your smile. But you have many hussy's lmao I love that word. But I don't care if you take a million pictures with billions of girls, and I don't care if you sleep with them all too, because I don't like you in a romantic way anymore. I can't see you being any more than a friend now I guess. I don't know it could be all the other ladies, but I think I'm looking for someone who can argue with me about ideologies of society. The human nature of our fellow man, to discuss reason v. passion, not that you aren't capable of doing that, because I some how sense you are more than capable of that, I just don't think you would care about those things.
I'm not entirely sure I care about those things, but I'm sick of this ideological romance that our society has prescribed for our generation. Girls completely obsessed and paranoid about whether they are their boyfriends only sex partner, which drives their boyfriends to seek other sex partners since their girl friends are psychotic. I think there are things that are bigger than that meaningless way of living. There is a lot the world has to offer, and you of all people should know since you have seen so much of it. I mean I know fucking can be great and drinking and making money, but there are more important things in life, don't forget that. I understand Josh's drive to make money, he needs it to survive at this point, and he still is only seeing the surface of life, people. He thinks if he eliminates these people who cannot serve him he is fulfilling some void, but he is just distancing himself even more from what truly matters. These people are stupid but I don't know maybe they came into life for a reason. (RANT)
Anyways, I guess in my own selfishness I'm hoping when you come home we hang out so much has happened and I feel sad. I don't want to talk to people, everyday I come home from work knowing that I'm the worlds biggest actress, and the person I'm lying to the most at the end of the day is myself. I'm sick of letting other people in and I guess I figured since I already let you in its not so bad to be me around you. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I'm preaching about not losing yourself when I've completely lost sight of who I am. I can't even see her anymore, my self image is completely fractured. One minute I'm Danielle, then I'm Dani then I'm some sorority girl, or an English major, then I'm a writer with this torture soul. All I can think about is death, maybe I just need human contact to ground me again...at least thats what I'm hoping.
I miss you N, but I know you are doing great.
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