He is a boy that I work with. He is 19 and his birthday is in March. He moved out here from Nor Cal and he is really smart, all into computers and such.
I find it weird that the boy I end up talking to all are interested in computer. Jacoby, Furr, Matt, now Sebastian. Something weird is at work I suspect.
Last night was the American Music Awards and Andrew and Nathan were on it. I almost cried I was so happy for them. So much has changed in the past year. Part of me wishes things would go back to the way they were, but I could never wish that for them. They are so happy, and they are living the dream. I think I've come to terms that I'm just one of those people who were a chapter in their lives, which makes me terribly sad. But I'm thankful I got to at least be apart of the story that is their lives and I'm glad they will one day become characters in mine.
I can't stop thinking about all the boys in my life I need some really good advice, or I just need to be alone. It's hard though because I was trying to be alone and then I suddenly became interesting to other people.
I miss my friends. All of them from Crystal to Kristin, from Kelly Resheske to Natasha, from Andrew and Nate to Josh and then all the way back to Ashley S. and Julianne Loveland. I hate when people enter my life then leave. I might have abandonment issues, I don't know why though, I've never been abandoned, maybe thats why I'm afraid of it. I want to get my life together I want to feel again...
I guess I forgot to mention that, I've been holding back, but then I remember no one reads this so I can be as open as I want. so here it goes:
First of all, that Natasha businesss fucked with my head and I somewhat hope that is the reason I feel this way. Second I really miss everyone and I'm always afraid this is going to be the last time I see them (when I see them) but thinking back I felt that way when Kristin died too. Third I can't feel, maybe my emotions have finally gone hay wire and are just denying any feeling, but no matter what I do I don't feel, I feel like a zombie.
But I went to work and Mike was there, my boss, and he made me feel better about my situation: "its not like you killed someone" hahaha truth. And then Sebastian was there and he is coming to my house for Thanksgiving and he showed me his apartment complex, which in itself seems unreal. I'm not entirely sure if he likes me, I'm not entirely sure if I like him, (you know like that) but he is an interesting fellow, and nice, and has things to say which is nice to just listen to something else besides my own psychotic thoughts. And I get to look at this beautiful view so whats the harm.I still feel empty, and that makes me feel sad. I just want to stop the hurt and I guess thats what I'm trying to do and thats why I can't feel. And its sad that the only person I can tell is not a person at all but a webpage. I must have problems with human interaction.
Did I mention that I glutened myself again? and I've been sick for the past 3 days, which is probably an addition to the reasons I'm so sad and in a bad mood....oh my life
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