Resurrection

Some people wonder why their friends kill themselves. Having been there, in that dark and lonely place I don’t wonder. I know what its like to feel the stress pile on top of you, so heavy you feel like you can’t even breath. I know what its like to feel so alone, like no one cares or could possibly fathom the way you feel. I know because I killed myself.

I had been a happy person my entire life. In high school I was the typical over achiever and I got into all the best UC’s but I couldn’t afford to go, I lived with my aunt because my parents had died in a car crash when I was younger. But I was resilient; I wasn’t going to let tragedy hinder my chances at a wonderful life. So I sold Avon to pay my bills while I enjoyed a free ride to Cal State University of San Bernardino.

It was my senior year, I had two quarters left and I would graduate with Honors in the Nursing program. But the stress got to me. I tried to talk to my professors. I tried to tell them. But the words wouldn’t come out. I left my professor’s office hours. Feeling completely defeated. And I jumped. 3 stories I fell, but not to my death. I fell into the ICU. I underwent surgery. That’s where I died.

The thing most people don’t think about when they kill themselves is everyone they leave behind. My soul is stuck, in-between. Its bleak here, everyone seems to be like a shade, more than a ghost but less than a living person. They can’t hear me or see me, I can’t touch the people I love, I can’t comfort them. I can’t even go to heaven or to hell, instead I sit here and watch my loved ones think about me. Whenever they think about me I’m called to them. I sit and watch them mourn me, watch them question my actions and watch them blame themselves. But the worst part is my friend thinks about me now every time she considers committing suicide.

I’ve been following her around for days now, she still doesn’t realize my presence. I try to communicate with her you know all those movies about ghosts being able to push objects and causes noise or something…there are FALSE. I need to find a way for her to realize who I am and that I am here.

She spends so much time on her computer she doesn’t even look up to see what is in front of her face, no wonder she is depressed she is missing an entire world, if only she opened her eyes! Maybe I can use a mode of technology to contact her, after all technology just consists of waves, and codes that cannot decipher between living and dead

Me: Katie, I need you to listen to me this is very important…
Katie: umm who is this?
Me: well, its Hannah,

I know you are thinking this must be a joke but listen to me Its me Hannah, the only person who ever calls you mom Momma Katie and sit with her for every race you swim in.
Katie: everybody knows Hannah called my mom that, if this was really Hannah she          would know why the last time I text her was for…
Hannah: you thought you were texting Nick because his name was right before mine in your contacts list
Katie: this can’t possibly be you, are you alive? Why would people said youre dead! Whats going on im so confused!
Hannah: I’m dead…and I know you want to kill yourself. I’m going to tell you you can’t do that
Katie: but you did it
Hannah: yea and look how everyone I love feels now, they are said and they blame themselves.

Katie: will we all thought you would talk to us if you were feeling sad or whatever
Hannah: I couldn’t tell anyone, are you kidding?!? I’m not that kinda of person to want to do that, to kill myself. I couldn’t let people know my thoughts, those thoughts are unnatural in my religion, my family would have blown it out of proportion.
Katie: no they wouldn’t, that’s a cop out and even if they did why wouldn’t you tell you friends? We are all for you…well were here for you
Hannah: I DIDN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT OK!! And this isn’t about me its about you. You can’t do what I did because then everyone you would love would feel the way you do about me…endless question. I just wanted it all to stop

Katie: me too.

I left Katie alone for quite some time after this conversation. I didn’t know how to help or even to fully convince her I am who I say I am. I decided I would tell her to ask me a question that only someone in the room could see. She proceeded to pick her nose. When I asked if she found any gold she instantly thought someone was spying on her, I reminded her that the classroom she was sitting it was not only completely empty, but there were no windows and how could someone plant a camera in that exact spot to just spy on her, it would be impossible to do that at the precise moment she randomly walked into an empty classroom. Now that I had her complete belief that I am Hannah her deceased friend I know I would be able to tell her to just no commit suicide so my soul can pass on by.  She reluctantly agreed. When I went back to the man he didn’t have to say anything. His facial expression articulated his complete and utter disappointment in me. So I went back to be with Katie again.
            When I found her she was lying on the floor of her bedroom, in the fetal position listening to songs about life, happiness and love, in attempts to experience a wholeness that the songs represented. She crying and bleeding, she embodied hopelessness. I had no idea how to help her. I knew exactly how she felt, I mean I had killed myself to get away from this world and I’m still trapped here.
            Four months had passes, I stayed by Katies side through it all, the death of another one of her friends, her uncle dying, her aunt getting thrown into jail and another aunt being diagnosed with cancer. Katie was hurting more than ever and she just wanted to pain to go away. I saw that pain and I couldn’t be around it, she reminded me of me. I knew she just wanted to take all that pain and shove it deep, deep down inside herself where she wont feel it anymore, or take it away some how.

The day of her friend’s funeral coincidently that was the day my friends from college were graduating. I went to the college and watched enormous amounts of people swarm the stadium in excitement. All of my friends were there and all of their families were there, except me. This was supposed to be my graduation! I was so mad I wished at that moment the world or anybody would hear my screams. All my friends help up their new degrees, discussed the plans for their new lives, and I didn’t even have a life anymore. What have I done!? I took away my own future. My plans of being a nurse and helping like those people who helped me so many years ago the night of my parents car crash. And I was going to start a family, I wanted nothing more then to feel life growing inside my body, watching and teaching a young human being how to be a good person. Why didn’t I think about these things before I jumped. I had so much to live for, what was I thinking? Why did it take me so long to realize that my dreams were bigger than any stress I had ever felt. I had dreams and now they are nothing more than faint ideas of the past and family and friends will quickly forget, or never even realized. I was going to prove all those people in high school were wrong about me, I would get out of here and live a life full of enjoyment. I was going to prove my family wrong, they mocked me when I said one day I’ll run a hospital, being a nurse was just my first step. I guess they were right, there was no escaping San Bernardino, I’ll forever be stuck here, along with my memory.  How can I show this idea to Katie though?

            I told Katie to take her three year old nephew, Will, to the pool, she reluctantly agreed, but of course questioned my motives. I told her to have her fearless nephew jump into the water and you catch him (via text message). She obliged, I told her to pay special attention to his facial expression confused she quietly walked into the water and told Will to jump into her arms.  Will hesitated at first, afraid to trust Katie but she told him it would be ok, she’ll catch him. Will stepped back half a step and leaped into Katie’s arms his eyes open wide and his mouth grew into the largest, purest grin Katie ever saw.  His true excitement over jumping in to the water was something rare to Katie. When she asked me why I showed her this I replied:
“I wanted you to see what happiness was, to remember the simple things in life that as children were the greatest experiences to us. Will’s purity is alone enough to see the goodness in the world that we are often felt plighted of.”

Katie: “But we can never experience this pure happiness again, because we are aware of our sins and are never this pure again.”

            Katie was right in a sense, but she missed my point I wanted her to experience joy by experiencing an innocent child enjoying the seemingly arbitrary aspects of life. I continued my efforts in showing Katie the beautiful aspects of life that I often overlooked. Then it hit me, Katie’s one true passion in this world was film, she wanted to direct award winning movies.  I called upon Katie attention with one last attempt to make her see that life is worth living because of human experiences of passion and reason I emailed Katie a list of every underprivileged director that has in a sense made it. She agreed that they persevered (she was not looking for it) I told her that they never gave up.

I know people tell you this all the time, you are great, amazing, beautiful smart, lucky but none of that matters. Really will any of that help your dreams come true? They might but they definitely won’t if you kill yourself. Your dreams, hopes and aspirations will die with you. There is no one who will say oh let me finish working on Katies dream now that she is dead. Life is precious, a gift, and you are blessed to be given the opportunity to dream. You fail to see the simple joys that make the struggles of this earth worth living through. You fail to see beyond the stress the loneliness the solitude the hurt, there is an entire world that you will never see. Once I’m released I don’t get to go visit the places I always wanted to see they remain a mystery. If you kill yourself this life is no better I am forced to my dreams wither away while I’m stuck, not moving.

Katie looked at her dresser full of her film equipment. The idea of never attaining that dream the idea that she will slide into nothingness, not even give herself the chance to be remembered was paralyzing.

Katie I know it is going to be hard to live life this way, but its about working towards a better future, one step at a time, one step closer to your dream.

Katie: all this time my dreams have remained something I had to put on the back burner until I had freedom to dabble in documentaries and autobiographies and photography. I should have been focusing on why those things gave me purpose, the same way I give them purpose

            I felt a great strength pulling me away from Katie, I quickly typed to her:

Me: Katie I think you’ll be okay, nobody said it would be easy they only promised it would be worth it.

Katie: you’ve helped me so much I just wish you would have realized this before it was too late.

Me: me too,  I have to leave you, I’ll always love you, remember me.

It was beautiful, green and lush, there was bright and warm light and then Katie was gone.